M Kfivethousand
2022-08-19 19:23:06 UTC
Dear Amy: My husband, "Calvin," and I have been together for 18 years. We've been married for two years. In most ways we get along great. We have many things in common and enjoy each other's company.
One thing that has continually bothered me is that Calvin never uses my first name! Mostly he addresses me as nothing, or sometimes as "Honey." He used to whistle or snap his fingers when he wanted my attention, until I pointed out that I was not a dog, and he stopped.
I have a perfectly normal name, which I am fond of!
I have tried on several occasions to talk to him about it. I asked if he doesn't like my name, or if my name reminds him of someone he dislikes. He weasels out of the conversation every time I bring it up.
He offers no explanation for why he refuses to use my name. I have asked him to use my name, at least sometimes but he tried it only once.
Why would someone do this? Does it show a lack of respect toward me? Should I give up the struggle since it's been going on for 18 years? I just don't get it.
— Not Nameless Wife
Not Nameless Wife: I don’t get it, either. But I also don’t get how you could be with someone for 16 years — and then marry him — if he refused to use your name.
I’m imagining your wedding vows: “I take you … over there … to be my lawfully wedded wife.” And how does he introduce you to others? (“Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Honey.”
How would he verbally identify you to an ambulance driver or a physician in case of an emergency?
Your husband has proven that he can respond successfully to negative reactions. When he snapped his fingers or whistled at you (wow, how disrespectful is that?) and you pointed out that this was unacceptable, he stopped.
His behavior does show a lack of respect: It is passive-aggressive and quite literally denies your existence as an individual with a specific name. To me, this seems like something of an erasure.
When human beings choose partners, it is affirmative and loving to find large and small ways to respect a partner’s preferences, thereby removing little triggers that might make them feel less-than. I assume you have done this for your partner over the years; he has not.
I suggest that you stop trying to understand this and insist that he call you by name. Give him positive reinforcement when he does, and don’t respond when he doesn’t. (And, please, if he calls you “nothing,” then your response should also be nothing.)
If that doesn’t work and you want to stay with him (you obviously do), then, yes, accept it and hope that he can manage to identify you correctly in an emergency.
One thing that has continually bothered me is that Calvin never uses my first name! Mostly he addresses me as nothing, or sometimes as "Honey." He used to whistle or snap his fingers when he wanted my attention, until I pointed out that I was not a dog, and he stopped.
I have a perfectly normal name, which I am fond of!
I have tried on several occasions to talk to him about it. I asked if he doesn't like my name, or if my name reminds him of someone he dislikes. He weasels out of the conversation every time I bring it up.
He offers no explanation for why he refuses to use my name. I have asked him to use my name, at least sometimes but he tried it only once.
Why would someone do this? Does it show a lack of respect toward me? Should I give up the struggle since it's been going on for 18 years? I just don't get it.
— Not Nameless Wife
Not Nameless Wife: I don’t get it, either. But I also don’t get how you could be with someone for 16 years — and then marry him — if he refused to use your name.
I’m imagining your wedding vows: “I take you … over there … to be my lawfully wedded wife.” And how does he introduce you to others? (“Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Honey.”
How would he verbally identify you to an ambulance driver or a physician in case of an emergency?
Your husband has proven that he can respond successfully to negative reactions. When he snapped his fingers or whistled at you (wow, how disrespectful is that?) and you pointed out that this was unacceptable, he stopped.
His behavior does show a lack of respect: It is passive-aggressive and quite literally denies your existence as an individual with a specific name. To me, this seems like something of an erasure.
When human beings choose partners, it is affirmative and loving to find large and small ways to respect a partner’s preferences, thereby removing little triggers that might make them feel less-than. I assume you have done this for your partner over the years; he has not.
I suggest that you stop trying to understand this and insist that he call you by name. Give him positive reinforcement when he does, and don’t respond when he doesn’t. (And, please, if he calls you “nothing,” then your response should also be nothing.)
If that doesn’t work and you want to stay with him (you obviously do), then, yes, accept it and hope that he can manage to identify you correctly in an emergency.